Jack's Inferno: The Quick Version

Here's the story, more or less...

First page, I'm dead. Death pulls up in a Cadillac, piss drunk and chain smoking. We take a suicide ride straight to Hell. That's how it starts. That was my morning.

Crash landed on the core of the Earth. I woke up on fire. You ever been on fire? Well? Have you? Yeah, I didn't think so. I don't recommend it.

So anyway, I hitch a ride with this trucker that calls himself Coalburner, or Coal for short. Strange cat. For one thing, he's a Judas freak, which I guess must be Hell's answer to the Southern Baptists. Haven't quite figured out his religious views yet, other than the fact that he often confuses Judas Priest lyrics with scripture. Whatever, we all got our own little mythologies. One's as good as the next.

Oh, and here's something else: dinosaurs. They have dinosaurs in Hell. Yeah, I didn't know about it either. My old Sunday school teacher must be delighted. What happened to all the dinosaurs? They all died and went to Hell. Take that, evolution.

Then there's the River Acheron. I got nothing nice to say about that place. Just grab a seat on one of the slave-ships and try to enjoy the ride. When you hit the shore, do yourself a favor--skip the gift shop. Complete waste of time.

Then you've got Arson Hills Trailer Court. It's a flaming white trash kingdom in the middle of a sinister backwoods necropolis. Everyone there is an asshole. Well, except Ricky. Ricky was alright.

Fat Nancy's House of Grits: a greasepit diner atop a hill of bones and surrounded by swampland. The food is shit. The service is worse. The locals are creeps. A fight broke out when we were there. Well...okay, so we started it. Not the point.

Then I was in the woods and some dead deer were hanging out. They all had rifles and they were yelling at me. I don't know, it was weird. And there was a bear there, too. He was drunk and loud and mean. I don't expect all of this to make sense to you.

Next stop was Limbo. Now Limbo is actually a really nice neighboorhood. It's like the suburbs of Hell for the upper class that managed to bribe their way out of the lower realms. And aside from the fact that everyone there is in a secret cult that worships a baby-eating pagan freak-god named Moloch, it's fairly peaceful. Except for the giant robots that occasionally patrol the area.

But that's just the first circle. One down, eight to go.