tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43557400972426579852024-02-07T17:13:34.852-05:00DRUNKEN TOURS OF HELLMike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-91517562564661198532011-07-20T22:29:00.004-04:002011-07-20T22:47:29.874-04:00WORDPLAGUEHere's what you need to do: go to <a href="http://wordplague.com/">wordplague.com</a>. Sign up for the forums. Find out about our new releases. Jack's Inferno is currently available in Kindle format on Amazon.com. Print version, Nook, and iBook are on the way. Next check out my editor's book Cat's Claw. It's a futuristic action horror sci-fi novel about demon hunting super soldiers. I did the cover art. Also available is Four Humors, a charity book of short stories (that I also contributed art to) by a group of rogue freelancers from cracked.com.<br /><br />We have several new titles in the works, both fiction and non-fiction, humor to horror and all things in between. Expect to see more of us in the future.<br /><br />For now, amuse yourself with these teaser book trailers I made.<br /><br /><a href="http://youtu.be/uyBXknY5iJ8"></a><a href="http://youtu.be/uyBXknY5iJ8"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">JACK'S INFERNO</span></a><br /><br /><a href="http://youtu.be/7N53v2t7kIM">CAT'S CLAW</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-59151974472185764502011-06-30T17:53:00.004-04:002011-07-20T22:47:03.044-04:00BUY THE DAMN BOOK.The Kindle version of Jack's Inferno is up on Amazon for $4.99. Nook, iBook, and print versions coming soon.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Jacks-Inferno-Volume-One-ebook/dp/B0058KA9RG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1309463786&sr=8-2">JACK'S INFERNO</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-49129100659154983912011-06-12T03:38:00.000-04:002011-06-12T03:38:36.772-04:00Wordplague<a href="http://wordplaguebooks.tumblr.com/">Wordplague</a>: "When I graduated art school back in 2000, I had a couple of options in front of me. The first involved pursing an MFA in painting, leading to a promising full time career as a professor or gallery artist and illustrator. The second involved going on a seven year bender highlighted by an ocean of booze and Pink Floydian levels of psychedelic drugs. I went with door number 2. The path to Hell is paved with free coke and stripper sex.<br /><br />It was around 2007 when I finally got motivated again and began to regret my long hiatus from the art world. So I started painting again, and for the first time since high school I tried my hand at writing.<br /><br />I had two separate ideas to begin with. The first idea was for a gritty supernatural horror story about a modern day version of Hell. The second idea was for a humorous semi non-fiction account of my surreal drunken exploits over the years. So instead of doing both projects individually, I did something that was as epic as it was lazy: I combined them, and Jack’s Inferno was born.<br /><br />Mike Lamb<br />Author of Jack’s Inferno<br />Available 6/30/11 from Wordplague<br />Like it on Facebook."Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-16607284567887826382011-06-11T01:29:00.001-04:002011-07-20T22:48:09.926-04:00Jack's Inferno Release DateJune 30th. Buy it or I will kill you. Visit <a href="http://wordplague.com/forum/index.php">wordplague.com</a> and sign up for the forum.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-88816963358294141472011-05-18T21:33:00.000-04:002011-05-18T22:02:48.577-04:00LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE A PUBLISHERYes, I know it's been a long time since I updated. I've been busy.<br /><br />First off, if you haven't seen my humor column Bad Acid yet, you should go do that now. It's here: <a href="http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/mike-lamb">http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/mike-lamb</a>. I've got 14 articles up right now, with a new one every week or two. You can also follow the adventures of Copernicus Thunderbird, Homeless Lunatic Wizard.<br /><br />Second, go buy my artwork. <a href="http://www.zazzle.com/dasempire">http://www.zazzle.com/dasempire</a><br /><br />Third, check out my article on Cracked.com. I co-wrote and illustrated it. <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_19136_8-terrifying-skeletons-adorable-animals.html">http://www.cracked.com/article_19136_8-terrifying-skeletons-adorable-animals.html</a><br /><br />Fourth, and this is the big one, JACK'S INFERNO IS BEING PUBLISHED AND IS DUE OUT NEXT MONTH. Who's publishing it, you ask? Wordplague. A brand new small press of rogue freelancers from the Cracked comedy workshop that I also happen to work for as an illustrator. The first book is called The Four Humors. All profits are for charity. It's a collection of short stories and art with an introduction by David Wong, author of the cult favorite John Dies at the End (currently being made into a motion picture directed by Don Coscorelli).<br /><br />More Wordplague books lined up in the following months including a series of humorous non-fiction themebooks (starting with The Deathbook), a sci-fi horror novel about demon hunters, a multi-author tale involving steampunk Cthulu, and of course, Jack's Inferno, a dark comedy about hell. Scheduled release date is 6/20/11. Stay tuned.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-66451580080647048832011-01-24T05:13:00.001-05:002011-07-20T22:51:23.611-04:00BAD ACIDI'm currently a humor columnist at Pointsincase.com. Check out my first article "The Troll's Guide to Internet Comedy". It contains 28 f-words. I will be publishing 2-3 comedy articles per month.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/mike-lamb/trolls-guide-internet-comedy">http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/mike-lamb/trolls-guide-internet-comedy</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-70485570971355647332010-11-28T00:16:00.001-05:002011-07-20T22:49:44.180-04:00The Right Way To Write WrongLearn how to write like an arrogant bastard. Read my essays on the art of novel writing. Do I know what I'm talking about? Who knows? But that's the genius of it. New lessons will be posted at random. Learn to use sarcasm like a professional. Learn to write interesting characters. Learn to break rules and tell stories the way you think they should be told. And it's free! Just click the link and read it. Then you can go back to your porn.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.writerscafe.org/courses/The-Right-Way-to-Write-Wrong/658/">http://www.writerscafe.org/courses/The-Right-Way-to-Write-Wrong/658/</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-33898938036158743562010-09-08T11:47:00.000-04:002010-09-08T11:50:24.210-04:00New Junk on Writer's CafeJust a quick update. Go to my Writer's Cafe page to read the first 3 chapters of Jack's Inferno, plus random excerpts and new short stories.<br /><a href="http://www.writerscafe.org/jacksinferno">http://www.writerscafe.org/jacksinferno</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-23588586901137427332010-08-19T18:13:00.000-04:002010-08-19T18:28:23.496-04:00Death MatchWould you like to support Jack's Inferno by helping me to crush my enemies? Of course you would! Join the Fiction Writers and Readers Death Match group on facebook. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=132051640164385&ref=mf"></a>Also check out Patronquo.com <a href="http://patronquo.com/story/152/Jacks-Inferno/"></a>to read Chapter XIV: The Four Bridesmaids of the Apocalypse. Spread the word. Final edits for the novel are complete and the publisher hunt is on. Stay tuned.<br /><br />death match: <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=132051640164385&ref=mf">http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=132051640164385&ref=mf</a><br /><br />patronqou: <a href="http://patronquo.com/story/152/Jacks-Inferno/">http://patronquo.com/story/152/Jacks-Inferno/</a>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-74602621435093415762010-05-09T17:45:00.000-04:002010-05-09T18:05:53.059-04:00Focus Group Part TwoI should really update more often. Eh.<br /><br />So at this point, some of you have copies of the manuscript for Jack's Inferno. This is what I like to call the extended fluff version. Still needs one final edit to kill off the unnecessary dead weight, most of which is the by-product of trying to up the word count at the last minute. There are still a few sentences that need to be reworded. My earlier drafts had a tendency to got bogged down with pretentious psuedo-literary gibberish that got away from the proper tone of voice in the narration. At some point along the way I discovered the difference between, "I'm writing a book. This is how books are written. What eloquent prose I have." and "Hey dirtbag, got a story for you. Sit down and shut up." But of course, these are minor details. All feedback is appreciated. Criticism will be taken into account, and most likely ignored unless I happen to agree. After all, it's still my book at the end of the day. <br /><br />That's all for now. Stay tuned.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-87105241139269519892010-02-18T23:09:00.000-05:002010-02-18T23:26:35.898-05:00The AgendaSo here's the plan. First, I need to finish up the interior illustrations for Jack's Inferno. Second comes the final page layout and overall design of the book, plus any last minute edits to the manuscript. Once it's all set in PDF format I'm ready to print. The first edition will be released through my company Degenerate Art Studios. Total creative control, no wait, no hassle. If I get a big shot publisher in the future, then great. In the meantime, I can just print the bastard myself. Then anyone with xerox bootlegs can finally get a real copy.<br /><br />Volume Two and Volume Three are in the works, plus some short stories featuring some of the secondary characters from Jack's Inferno. Also planning on a full color coffee table book of my artwork illustrating Jack's personal version of Hell entitled, appropriately enough, Drunken Tours of Hell. Possibly some animation projects further down the road, but more on that later.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-67492618684404463882010-01-29T23:41:00.000-05:002010-01-30T00:38:25.015-05:00Jack's Inferno: The Quick VersionHere's the story, more or less...<br /><br />First page, I'm dead. Death pulls up in a Cadillac, piss drunk and chain smoking. We take a suicide ride straight to Hell. That's how it starts. That was my morning.<br /><br />Crash landed on the core of the Earth. I woke up on fire. You ever been on fire? Well? Have you? Yeah, I didn't think so. I don't recommend it.<br /><br />So anyway, I hitch a ride with this trucker that calls himself Coalburner, or Coal for short. Strange cat. For one thing, he's a Judas freak, which I guess must be Hell's answer to the Southern Baptists. Haven't quite figured out his religious views yet, other than the fact that he often confuses Judas Priest lyrics with scripture. Whatever, we all got our own little mythologies. One's as good as the next.<br /><br />Oh, and here's something else: dinosaurs. They have dinosaurs in Hell. Yeah, I didn't know about it either. My old Sunday school teacher must be delighted. What happened to all the dinosaurs? They all died and went to Hell. Take that, evolution.<br /><br />Then there's the River Acheron. I got nothing nice to say about that place. Just grab a seat on one of the slave-ships and try to enjoy the ride. When you hit the shore, do yourself a favor--skip the gift shop. Complete waste of time.<br /><br />Then you've got Arson Hills Trailer Court. It's a flaming white trash kingdom in the middle of a sinister backwoods necropolis. Everyone there is an asshole. Well, except Ricky. Ricky was alright.<br /><br />Fat Nancy's House of Grits: a greasepit diner atop a hill of bones and surrounded by swampland. The food is shit. The service is worse. The locals are creeps. A fight broke out when we were there. Well...okay, so we started it. Not the point.<br /><br />Then I was in the woods and some dead deer were hanging out. They all had rifles and they were yelling at me. I don't know, it was weird. And there was a bear there, too. He was drunk and loud and mean. I don't expect all of this to make sense to you.<br /><br />Next stop was Limbo. Now Limbo is actually a really nice neighboorhood. It's like the suburbs of Hell for the upper class that managed to bribe their way out of the lower realms. And aside from the fact that everyone there is in a secret cult that worships a baby-eating pagan freak-god named Moloch, it's fairly peaceful. Except for the giant robots that occasionally patrol the area.<br /><br />But that's just the first circle. One down, eight to go.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-70198813428780802092010-01-23T19:14:00.000-05:002010-01-23T19:57:56.079-05:00Excerpts from Jack's Inferno Volume One***from chapter 6: Of Wrath and Roadkill***<br /><br />Staring out the window of the car, I see an animal scurrying from tree to tree. It's obscured by the shadows. Looks like a deer. I see more ahead, hiding and watching. They're standing on their hind legs, in hunched poses. Then I get a closer look at one of them. It's mangled and bloodied. Half the skin has been carved away from its face. Split torso. Exposed ribs. A walking carcass, cast aside by some poacher. Resurrected and pissed off.<br /><br /><em>Oh shit. He's got a gun.</em><br /><em></em><br />The first shot cracks from the rifle and bounces off the bulletproof windshield. The mutilated hunters begin to come out in full force, each taking a shot at the car. Their rifles are useless. Francis hums cheerfully to himself as bullets harmlessly ricochet left and right. He doesn't speed up. He doesn't swerve. His only real reaction to the situation is to switch the song from Mozart to Grieg's <em>In the Hall of the Mountain King. </em>I presume it was for dramatic effect. I have to admit, it was a nice touch.<br /><br />Seems like we're not in too much danger, all things considered. It's going to take a lot more than an angry herd of gun-crazy venison to put down the platinum cruiser.<br /><br />But not a hell of a lot more.<br /><br />A chain whips out in front of us from behind a tree. On the end of the chain is a bear trap. It clamps down on one of the front tires in a spring-loaded death grip. Holding the other end of the chain is...<br /><br />Oh, f**k me. <em>A BEAR?! Seriously?</em><br /><em></em><br />Welcome to the Forest of Retribution. Yeah, I get it already. Call off the f**king bears. I can't take anymore ironic vengeance today. I don't know if Mother Nature had a hand in this, but if she did she's being a real c*nt about it. Sure, animal rights is a great idea in theory, but passing out a stockpile of loaded firearms to oppressed woodland creatures? That's just a bad idea. Now don't get me wrong--if this were happening to <em>anyone </em>else but me, I'd be laughing my ass off right now. But I ain't laughing.<br /><br />The bear walks right in front of our car. We hit him (or her, I guess...not gonna dig through its crotch fur to make a genital scan) like a safety test crash into a wall. Good news is the airbags work.<br /><br />The bear is wailing on the hood of the car like a bi-polar ex-girlfriend in a drunken menstrual hysteria. Only without all the tears and screaming. And maybe a bit less terrifying. Hell, we might even stand a better chance of reasoning with it.<br /><br />"You there! What do you think you're doing?" Francis, stupidly enough, actually <em>is </em>going to attempt to reason with it.<br /><br /><div align="center">***</div><div align="center"></div><div align="left">copyright Mike Lamb</div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-54713249488420830302010-01-19T15:35:00.000-05:002010-01-19T16:35:50.789-05:00The worst focus group everDo you have any idea how hard it is to make someone read a book? Because I didn't until I wrote one.<br /><br />Now this might be a good time to confess that I know absolutely nothing about the technical nuances concerning the art of writing. No academic training in the field whatsoever. Hell, I went to art school. I'm barely even literate. All my books are filled with pictures. Format and punctuation are a mystery to me. But I can tell a story. And I can tell a joke. And I can tell the most preposterous lies about the most improbable things in perfect deadpan. And because I'm older than the internet, I still know how to spell. More or less.<br /><br />I like to think of Jack's Inferno--not just Volume One, but the entire trilogy--not so much as genre fiction or literary fiction or fantasy or horror...but simply as an epic anecdote. Just a clever and interesting yarn about some crazy shit that happened. Is it true? Of course not. Okay, maybe some of it. Or a lot of it. But it's fiction. My attourney will attest to that. Any similarities between crimes and sins of the author and that of the protagonist are purely coincidental and none of your goddamned business. It's brutal satire and drunken philosophy. It's horror-comedy for the desensitized.<br /><br />But getting back to the focus group. Because I have no academic credentials, I felt it would be a good idea to distribute some review copies of earlier drafts of the book to a select group of friends in order to get general feedback and proofreading. Here's how that went:<br /><br />"I wrote a novel."<br />"That's awesome! I'd love to read it!"<br />"Okay, here's a copy. You're in the focus group. Let me know what you think."<br /><br />ONE MONTH LATER<br />"So what did you think?"<br />"Haven't started on it yet."<br />"Huh."<br /><br />TWO MONTHS LATER<br />"So did you ever get around to that book?"<br />"No, I've been really busy."<br />"Yeah, I know what that's like. I've been busy trying to publish a novel. Well, good luck on that math test."<br /><br />THREE MONTHS LATER<br />"So...about that book I wrote..."<br />"You wrote a book? Cool! What's it called?"<br /><br />But I did manage to get a few people to read it.<br />"I had no idea you could write!"<br />"Neither did I."Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-72761185070277578872010-01-19T00:44:00.000-05:002010-01-19T01:17:35.892-05:00THE FOUR BRIDESMAIDS OF THE APOCALYPSE<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv7xJjzwQhF454tLLwe9z4yUsfe18EDTKuciPRK4unuTFTl_Avl_DB6hqH2LDDzvZX2pVgjuHihuWaDmOQqYZhIKyUMTRYz2be2Fso6xdu2oZCjUHsEqdk6l8HusWMXHV9bngWDRAtYDrC/s1600-h/thebride+small+POSTER.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 201px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5428326229569372546" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv7xJjzwQhF454tLLwe9z4yUsfe18EDTKuciPRK4unuTFTl_Avl_DB6hqH2LDDzvZX2pVgjuHihuWaDmOQqYZhIKyUMTRYz2be2Fso6xdu2oZCjUHsEqdk6l8HusWMXHV9bngWDRAtYDrC/s400/thebride+small+POSTER.jpg" /></a><br /><div align="center">Art by me. Words by me.<br /></div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-22805227876611463352010-01-18T21:35:00.000-05:002010-01-19T16:39:11.979-05:00Excerpts from Jack's Inferno Volume One***from chapter 5: Diner of the Dead***<br /><br />I see the greasy smokestack hanging in the sky like congealed fat. The air is thick with the stench of deep-fried...everything. This must be the place.<br /><br />There's a small building atop a hill of bones, radiantly wrapped in piss-yellow neon with an imposing sign that reads FAT NANCY'S HOUSE OF GRITS in giant glowing letters. Below it in smaller print, but no less proudly displayed, is WORST FOOD IN 7 HELLS.<br /><br />"Seven Hells?" I ask Coal.<br /><br />"Well, ya got seven continents on the core, all of 'em named Hell. Then ya got your countries and cities and villages and all that crap. They're all named Hell, too. You just gotta go by the zoning districts if ya wanna tell 'em apart."<br /><br />"Why don't they just give them different names?"<br /><br />"Don't really matter where ya land here, everybody says the same thing<em>: aw shit, I'm in Hell!</em> So it's just easier to call everything Hell."<br /><br />"Makes sense."<br /><br />We walk into the diner. It's a redneck freakshow. The florescent ceiling lamps are way too bright. Some people are better suited to dimly lit rooms, out of focus and shrouded in wandering trails of tobacco smoke. These people do not need to be seen in the light. Pasty sagging skin. Blotchy patches of discolored flesh, pinkish-brown here, a reddish purple bruise there, yellow eyes, yellow teeth. Bloated, wrinkled faces. Angry, ugly stares. A split lip. A glass eye. Oily hair and dirty wrinkled clothes. Open sores. Foaming mouths.<br /><br />They can smell outsiders a mile away.<br /><br />We grab a booth in the back under a stuffed and mounted stag's head. Country music plays on the jukebox. It's a slow drunken ballad about wife-beating.<br /><br />Our waitress strolls over to us and slaps two menus on the table. She's an ill-tempered fat hag in her late fifties, maybe early sixties. Tiny devil horns rise just above the hairspray frozen curls of her permed red hair. Her face is gratuitously caked in makeup, from the tarantula eyelashes right down to the raccoon eye shadow and rosy red cheeks. Red lipstick smeared around the mouth in a heavy-handed scrawl, the way crazy people wear makeup. Like the blood-caked fur of a polar bear's face after the feast of a kill. Her name tag simply reads "Eat shit and die."<br /><br />"Whaddya want, assholes?"<br /><br />Coal orders first. "Yeah, lemme get the chicken-fried steak, two sausage biscuits with gravy, bowl a' grits with extra butter and bacon, and uh...piece a' pig's ass pie. And a bottle a' Jack Daniels."<br /><br />She scribbles the order on her little notepad and turns to me impatiently.<br /><br />"What are your specials?" I ask her.<br /><br />"I got three retarded kids. You gonna order somethin', ya cheap bastard?"<br /><br />"Coffee."<br /><br /><div align="center">***</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Copyright by Mike Lamb. </div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-30607258358622311412010-01-17T16:26:00.000-05:002010-01-18T23:03:36.764-05:00Praise for Jack's Inferno<a href="http://chizine.com/freshblood/jacks-inferno-first-chapter.htm">Jack's Inferno, by Mike Lamb</a>: "Monica S. Kuebler:<br />Jack’s Inferno boasts a catchy opening paragraph, complete with the protagonist’s death revelation(!). And there is just so much to like in the sarcastic narrative voice of the main character – especially given his situation. It fact, it pretty much makes him instantly compelling and encourages readers to feel for the chaotic predicament he’s in even before he’s fleshed out too much. It’s just very well done and the pitch-black humour is pitch perfect. There are also plenty of clever touches in the narrative, including lines such as: “The label says ‘Brimstone’ and there's something about soul cancer in the fine print.” and “It's amazing what you can tune out when you're being carjacked by trolls.” The chapter closes with a great punch line that does an excellent job of hooking readers (as if they wouldn’t be already, which I simply can’t imagine). All in all, a fine beginning that sets up the tone of the book and does everything else a first chapter is supposed to do. Solid as a goddamned brick."<br /><br />--From round one judge's critique, Fresh Blood manuscript contest<br /><br />Vote. Get me published. Click the damn link.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-68605739918189612612010-01-16T23:38:00.000-05:002010-01-17T16:33:14.530-05:00Excerpts from Jack's Inferno Volume OneAnd because I'm such a nice f**king guy, I even censored it for you. Now when your f**king kids read it they can make up constellations out of all the little stars in the f-words.<br /><br />***from chapter 2: Unholy Roller***<br />We're getting closer to the pit. A dust storm kicks up around us. I can't even see through the windshield. I look over at Coal. He's pouring a glass of bourbon, altogether unconcerned with the hazards of the road.<br /><br />"Maybe we should pull over until the storm clears," I say to the driver.<br /><br />"Maybe you should shut the f**k up. Here, drink this." He hands me the glass of bourbon and starts drinking the rest straight from the bottle.<br /><br />F**k it. Bottoms up. No point in not being drunk for this.<br /><br /><br />***from chapter 3: Dead Man River***<br />It's barely audible. Just two words. Phobus hisses them under his breath. "Get out."<br /><br />I look over at the trucker to guage his reaction. He just shrugs.<br /><br />"I'm going to destroy you now," the boatman tells us. "Both of you. I'm going to feed your lifeless mutilated souls to the great river Acheron. Your eternal suffering will bring me great pleasure. Remember this day, now and forever. You shall curse my name until the end of time."<br /><br />I turn to Coal and say, "Is this guy f**king serious?"<br /><br />Phobus screams, "I said get out of my f**king boat!" He thrusts his arm towards the sky in a berserker fury as coiled lightning bolts burst forth from his stun baton. It's like seeing a disgruntled riot cop weilding the hammer of God. <em>Oh shit, is he mad? He's mad isn't he?</em><br /><br />Deimus follows suit and whips out his own stun baton. He begins shrieking and howling like a rabid baboon. A mildly-retarded rabid baboon. With a 50,000 volt stick.<br /><br />Coal catches a blow to the chest that explodes into a shower of glowing blue sparks. "Ah, goddamn!" is his natural response. While picking himself up he adds, "Where's my goddamn truck, you dick!? I ain't leaving without it!"<br /><br />"Foolish hillbilly! It's been eviscerated and sold as spare parts! You shall share its fate! Prepare to--"<br /><br />Shotgun blast drowns out the rest of the speech. First shot launches Phobus back-flipping into the river. Second barrel drops Deimus in the pitch black water with his brother. Although I have to admit his <em>hey man, I just work here</em> hands-up surrender was priceless. Didn't win him any mercy though.<br /><br />Coalburner's a lot more resourceful than I give him credit for. Sawed-off shotgun stashed under the coat (I thought it was odd he was wearing a coat in Hell). That trick never gets old. We have officially commandeered this vessel.<br /><br />"Nice shot, captain," I say.<br /><br />"No need to thank me for saving your life back there, hoss. You just swab the deck an' we'll call it even."<br /><br />"We're already dead, you dumb bastard. You didn't save shit."<br /><br />"F**k you, Jack."<br /><br /><div align="center">***</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">So there you go. Jack's Inferno. Top ten finalist in the Fresh Blood manuscript contest. Vote here. <a href="http://chizine.com/freshblood/jacks-inferno-first-chapter.htm">http://chizine.com/freshblood/jacks-inferno-first-chapter.htm</a></div><div align="left">Get me published. Don't be a dick. Check back here for further updates.</div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-13458856026509148252010-01-15T01:25:00.000-05:002010-01-15T01:38:50.123-05:00COVER ART FOR JACK'S INFERNO: Death variations<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9veB5TaiXykU3fWChUNx1mNoc663wj3n5uI6qvKieRC6hN-VRKO_up1B04m6C8cV9luVS90tzFs_GuKqo6wss4fb9LZDADlYYhYNbKVS_T9QTaubrfLJjk19m9FF0F6BY7IHLd_q0S2XD/s1600-h/NEW+DEATH+COVER+2+FLAT+SMALL.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426849824209948322" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9veB5TaiXykU3fWChUNx1mNoc663wj3n5uI6qvKieRC6hN-VRKO_up1B04m6C8cV9luVS90tzFs_GuKqo6wss4fb9LZDADlYYhYNbKVS_T9QTaubrfLJjk19m9FF0F6BY7IHLd_q0S2XD/s400/NEW+DEATH+COVER+2+FLAT+SMALL.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5G51NoHp1zRLbZJQpyys0l726bxrzeeyHwTdnXhHXD210pcqx60F1PgGIcl-tw85-J0NzQGE8dvjCiVq9AedCWzVfa4OW_pLDwVmvLJW2tzy37iHF6LW7cH-ZyUVTgnFIOfjVkYnuCnMW/s1600-h/NEW+DEATH+COVER+1+FLAT+SMALL.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426849820724143730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5G51NoHp1zRLbZJQpyys0l726bxrzeeyHwTdnXhHXD210pcqx60F1PgGIcl-tw85-J0NzQGE8dvjCiVq9AedCWzVfa4OW_pLDwVmvLJW2tzy37iHF6LW7cH-ZyUVTgnFIOfjVkYnuCnMW/s400/NEW+DEATH+COVER+1+FLAT+SMALL.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCVCEUgJYVlSqnmV40LJHlC2LOmWnznC1SHI-iWZihTwdEeJrwBKIG3FveVVipJAbQq4mSMk_dLnetridutSKUxbj4gmL5Mey8B4TOmhW098mh_3pXb5l104mCOzRMR_xrBVO4NITMZJLZ/s1600-h/death+cover+flat+small.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 274px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426849814046234834" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCVCEUgJYVlSqnmV40LJHlC2LOmWnznC1SHI-iWZihTwdEeJrwBKIG3FveVVipJAbQq4mSMk_dLnetridutSKUxbj4gmL5Mey8B4TOmhW098mh_3pXb5l104mCOzRMR_xrBVO4NITMZJLZ/s400/death+cover+flat+small.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-51018902886703363862010-01-14T12:27:00.000-05:002010-01-14T13:16:51.248-05:00MEET THE CHARACTERS part oneI don't know what the f**k kind of books you like and I really don't care. This is my story. So sit down and shut up.<br /><br />JACK: The anti-protagonist and unreliable narrator of Jack's Inferno, hence the name. He's dead. He's in Hell. Beyond that, nothing special. He's not a cop or a soldier or a private detective. He's not a wizard or a superhero or a vampire or a f**king half-vampire that hunts other vampires. He doesn't save the world. Ever. And if you asked him to you'd get a beer bottle thrown at you. He only has three powers to speak of: luck, sarcasm, and an amazingly high threshold for binge drinking. Random quote: "You're insane and I hate you."<br /><br />COALBURNER: aka Coal, aka CB, aka Coleridge B. Turner, aka Pigf**ker. A trucker and a sinister hick. He carries a sawed-off shotgun and a bottle of bourbon wherever he goes. He's got a twisted sense of humor and some strange ideas about religion. There's a plastic Judas figurine on his dashboard, if that gives you any idea. He carries a bible, but not the one you're thinking of. Not the Good book. Different bible. Oh yeah, he's also a cannibal. Random quote: "C'mon, sweet Judas, don't you sell me on the cross today!"<br /><br />FRANCIS: A rich prick with a mansion in Limbo and a talking luxuary sedan named Sheila. Clean cut, well dressed, and not a care in the world. His hobbies include dressing up like a goat and sacrificing people to Moloch. Random quote: "Oh, nothing. You just look poor, is all. You smell poor, too."Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-68879234570658881252010-01-12T16:58:00.000-05:002010-01-23T19:56:58.831-05:00Jack's Inferno Volume One: A list of chapters<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgThuvlHO86ElOWkbmQC3KWzlMAcP55oEVlhG7KNFOstb1LLRzYwpqI8HD7R_qGT3z63XgfU55e581ikQtnqlJsq61PQXqAeKctBinf1Mi3gruCMMbVa5iMGdbXIScXzhBfbRZB5rqDUNBE/s1600-h/ALT+COVER+CHARON+flat+small.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425984122763618578" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgThuvlHO86ElOWkbmQC3KWzlMAcP55oEVlhG7KNFOstb1LLRzYwpqI8HD7R_qGT3z63XgfU55e581ikQtnqlJsq61PQXqAeKctBinf1Mi3gruCMMbVa5iMGdbXIScXzhBfbRZB5rqDUNBE/s400/ALT+COVER+CHARON+flat+small.jpg" /></a><br /><div align="center">The first three circles of Hell according to Jack</div><br /><div></div><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAgvN2wJJWYYnWkZy8jXLaBU3KtYf-vJpBxz1H-RwX8rRsfV0FeVW68aSJ3opPRXOYP5XACfVAE3od9ClZhQcx-nFdPacDHpPZXltaS_nN2ckSh49lo3GeQKkIiJPGsUAFou77JKW7bpKE/s1600-h/ALT+COVER+CHARON+2+flat+small.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425977220787092754" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAgvN2wJJWYYnWkZy8jXLaBU3KtYf-vJpBxz1H-RwX8rRsfV0FeVW68aSJ3opPRXOYP5XACfVAE3od9ClZhQcx-nFdPacDHpPZXltaS_nN2ckSh49lo3GeQKkIiJPGsUAFou77JKW7bpKE/s400/ALT+COVER+CHARON+2+flat+small.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div align="center">(((BOOK OF THE FIRST CIRCLE)))</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">PART ONE: THE DEATHTRIP</div><br /><div align="center">I. The Tunnel at the End of the Light</div><br /><div align="center">II. Unholy Roller</div><br /><div align="center">III. Dead Man River</div><br /><div align="center">PART TWO: DEEP SOUTH</div><br /><div align="center">IV. Backwoods Necropolis</div><br /><div align="center">V. Diner of the Dead</div><br /><div align="center">VI. Of Wrath and Roadkill</div><br /><div align="center">PART THREE: UNDERWORLD SUBURBIA</div><br /><div align="center">VII. Low Plains Drifter</div><br /><div align="center">VIII. Sacrificial Scapegoats</div><br /><div align="center">IX. Flight of the Heretic</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">(((BOOK OF THE SECOND CIRCLE)))</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">PART FOUR: STRANGE FLESH</div><br /><div align="center">X. Dumpster Heaven</div><br /><div align="center">XI. A Streetcar Named Depravity</div><br /><div align="center">XII. Satyrs, Sadists, and Strip Joints</div><br /><div align="center">PART FIVE: DEVIL'S BRIDE</div><br /><div align="center">XIII. Behind the Pink Door</div><br /><div align="center">XIV. The Four Bridesmaids of the Apocalypse</div><br /><div align="center">XV. The Honeymoon Suite</div><br /><div align="center">PART SIX: DEGENERATE KINGDOM</div><br /><div align="center">XVI. Wasteland Wine</div><br /><div align="center">XVII. The Whorehouse of Babylon</div><br /><div align="center">XVIII. Dogs Playing Poker</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">(((BOOK OF THE THIRD CIRCLE)))</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">PART SEVEN: ROTGUT ROAD</div><br /><div align="center">XIX. Acid Bath Blues</div><br /><div align="center">XX. Scourge of the Sewers</div><br /><div align="center">XXI. Bad Trips, Coma Dreams, and Dirt Naps</div><br /><div align="center">PART EIGHT: KNIVES AND TEETH</div><br /><div align="center">XXII. The Atomic Hydra</div><br /><div align="center">XXIII. The Septic Sea</div><br /><div align="center">XXIV. Hog Hell</div><br /><div align="center">PART NINE: WAR OF THE FOOD CHAIN</div><br /><div align="center">XXV. Mad Cow Theater</div><br /><div align="center">XXVI. Slaughterhouse Run</div><br /><div align="center">XXVII. The Grazing of the Herd</div><br /><div align="center">PART TEN: PIG HUNT</div><br /><div align="center">XXVIII. Sugar Shock</div><br /><div align="center">XXIX. The Black Forest</div><br /><div align="center">XXX. The Last Supper</div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><br /><div></div></div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-34293066682812331622010-01-07T05:56:00.000-05:002010-01-07T06:48:35.557-05:00COVER ART IDEA VERSION ONE: MEDUSA<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEygpH4Mc1N2jKwT34VbArOHCdvSoO9s0PbqkNMMPiJA8OuMklvOXxTXXk5ScCFhnn74ozfezQw0g3OrIXeJ-z0pHKmsmLj_G3-Aky0Vv3wueJES0M0yZXr48mxN4-hxEm-ayVEdi4ILZU/s1600-h/medusa+cover+flat+small.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 267px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5423954126031783250" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEygpH4Mc1N2jKwT34VbArOHCdvSoO9s0PbqkNMMPiJA8OuMklvOXxTXXk5ScCFhnn74ozfezQw0g3OrIXeJ-z0pHKmsmLj_G3-Aky0Vv3wueJES0M0yZXr48mxN4-hxEm-ayVEdi4ILZU/s400/medusa+cover+flat+small.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div><div align="left">Abandon all hope! Join us for an unforgettable tour through the depths of Hell! Have a smoke with Death and take a ride to the center of the Earth, where the undead dinosaurs brood in their eternal decay! </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Meet Charon, lord of the Acheron River and keeper of the secret DNA of Leviathan, the hideous giant serpent! Fall to your knees and tremble before Moloch, the eater of babies, part machine but demon to the very core, with his reptile skin, his three faced owl's head, and his six arms and razor claws! Have a drink with Anubis, jackal-headed Egyptian god of the underworld! Is he a mad man? Or mad dog?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">You will find Medusa the gorgon, with her evil eye and gaze of stone! Bow to the mighty King Minos, once a man but now a beast! He is waiting to cast his judgment upon you! How deep is your home in Hell?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">So many strange and magnificent terrors await you! Beware the satyrs that lurk in dens of depravity! Do you dare face the six-breasted bearded stripper, an eldritch horror in fishnets, with her deadly tentacles and ravenous appetite? And even deadlier still is the unnameable spider-mantis she-devil known only as The Bride! And where The Bride goes, are not the Four Bridesmaids of the Apocalypse certain to follow?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">But wait, there's more! Much more! Crawl through the belly of the beast, where you must answer the riddle of the tapeworm! Ride the ghost train! Can you survive the fury of the Atomic Hydra? You'll still have to make it past Edgar the Shark, an abomination of infernal science who crawls on land! And past that is the pig-faced butcher, Ciacco the Hog! Deeper still lies the minotaur cult, and the Great Swine of the Black Forest! Beware!</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="center">******</div><div align="left">Too melodramatic? Eh? Well, you get the idea. Voting begins soon. Jack's Inferno. It's f**king great. You need it. But first I have to get it published. </div>Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4355740097242657985.post-86275360943686028892009-12-13T20:25:00.000-05:002010-01-07T05:56:13.732-05:00Jack's Inferno: top ten finalist in the Fresh Blood manuscript contestYeah, so I wrote a book. It's called Jack's Inferno Volume One. It's a black comedy about Hell. I submitted the manuscript to the Fresh Blood competition sponsored by Leisure Horror and Chizine Publications, and I made the top ten. Voting will begin in mid January on <a href="http://www.chizine.com/">http://www.chizine.com/</a> or <a href="http://chizine.com/chizinepub">http://chizine.com/chizinepub</a> More info at <a href="http://dorchesterpub.com/Dorch/SpecialFeatures.cfm?ID=2757">http://dorchesterpub.com/Dorch/SpecialFeatures.cfm?ID=2757</a> Winner gets a publishing deal including mass market paperback and limited edition hardcover. I will be posting random excerpts and plot and character descriptions from time to time. Just to get you started, here's the back-of-the-book synopsis.<br /><br />WORST F***ING DAY OF MY LIFE<br /><br />Let me tell you about my day. I died. That was my morning. Death pulled up in a '76 Cadillac Eldorado. He was drunk and crazy. By the time we wrecked, so was I.<br /><br />Hitchhiked across Hell with a truck-driving Judas-freak off his meds. Rode a burning slave ship across the Acheron, then hit the gift shop. Got a bad reception from the locals in a backwoods necropolis. Stopped at a greasepit diner and bailed on the check. Took a ride through the woods and got carjacked by some roadkill. Long story, don't ask. Slept with a housewife in Limbo. Her husband tried to sacrifice me to Moloch. Had a tea party with King Minos and some dead hookers. Anubis gave me drugs. Met a pimp named Grendel. Hit up a strip joint and almost got gang raped by satyrs. Married a demon at gunpoint, but I left the chapel in flames. Went bankrupt in a poker game with three dogs and Toulouse Lautrec in the basement of a place called "The Screaming Whore."<br /><br />Beyond that, I have no idea what's going on.Mike Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03353197914189710971noreply@blogger.com0